


No Substitutions

by iammemyself



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Arkham (Video Games), Batman: Arkham - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:34:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29985024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iammemyself/pseuds/iammemyself
Summary: He tried, but robo-Jon simply can’t measure up.  Idea from doctor-jon-crane of Tumblr.
Relationships: Jonathan Crane/Edward Nygma
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	No Substitutions

**‘No Substitutions’**

**By Indiana**

**Characters: Edward Nygma, Jonathan Crane [Scriddler]**

**Setting: Sometime after Arkham Asylum**

**Synopsis: He tried, but robo-Jon simply can’t measure up. Idea from doctor-jon-crane of Tumblr.**

**-**

“He just won’t take my advice,” Edward griped to the robot currently fully occupied by the sight of his indignant pacing. “You would _think_ , in his condition, that my wisdom would be _welcomed_ , but of _course_ he thinks it holds no value at all! _You_ know that it does, don’t you?”

“Of course it does, Edward,” answered the robot, but the _way_ it said it was wrong and he blew a frustrated breath out through flared nostrils and pushed his hands deeper into his pockets.

“Your responses, whilst technically correct, are increasingly unsatisfactory.”

“I’m unsure what it is you want me to say.”

Edward bent over to pick up the sheet that had formerly been covering it. “That’s my _point_!” he said, indeed pointing at it. “You _look_ somewhat like him, and you _sound_ somewhat like him, and for what you are that’s good enough. But you have this fatal flaw in which – “

“Edward, who are you talking to?”

“No one,” Edward said, hastily tossing the sheet back over the robot. Unfortunately, he didn’t throw it quite high enough and it slipped right off and onto the floor, leaving Jonathan fully able to look over his robotic likeness. Which he did. For a very long time. Edward slowly lowered himself to the floor and just as slowly gathered up the sheet to try again.

“I can’t decide whether your attempt to replace me with a robot is touching or disturbing beyond my ability to articulate,” Jonathan said finally. Edward released the sheet again, indignant.

“Replace? No no no, _substitute_! They’re completely different things!” He spun to face it, hands buried in the back of his hair. “It’s just – I thought you were dead and I’ve been meaning to branch into automation anyway and no one _listens_ like you do – well, _he_ listens a little too well,” Edward finished, gesturing wildly at it. “He never says what he should.”

“What he should?” Jonathan said with mild interest. Edward shrugged, back still facing him. 

“I’ve said a lot to him _you’d_ never let me get away with. I _thought_ it would be satisfying, but I simply end up nearly wishing he had fear toxin up his metaphorical sleeve with which to threaten me! You would never use it, of course, but the _sentiment_ –“

“Of course,” said Jonathan, the ambiguity in those words as to whether he would or wouldn’t being precisely the thing the robot was missing. He whirled around again.

“You see? That’s exactly what I mean! He’s so – _boring_! He always says exactly what I want to hear!”

“I would be very surprised if you could build a robot that _didn’t_ do such a thing,” said Jonathan. “But I’ll tell you what. I’ll let you keep it, so long as these _substitutions_ don’t get out of hand.”

“You’ll _let_ me?” Edward said, drawing himself up indignantly. Jonathan tilted his head forward enough that his eyes would meet Edward’s from over his glasses.

“Yes,” he said in a low voice. “I’ll _let_ you.”

Several different reactions flitted across Edward’s mind just then, none of which seemed quite the right one. In a moment of decisiveness he swooped across the space between them and hooked his arm behind Jonathan’s waist, rising on his toes momentarily as he did so. “Oh, Jonathan,” he said jovially, “no one threatens me quite like you do.”

“And no one irritates my very being quite like you do,” Jonathan said.

“Aha! So you would also fail to replace me and would instead have to settle for shoddy substitutions!”

“I think it best I neither confirm nor deny that.”

“If you’re going to treat me this way perhaps I _will_ replace you with him after all!”

“As though you would ever subject yourself to such an obvious downgrade from the real thing,” Jonathan said very smoothly, and Edward frowned.

“Well, yes, it – it _is_ a downgrade, but only because – oh, never mind. I haven’t the patience to explain the particulars to you.”

“Don’t worry, Edward,” Jonathan said, patting him on the shoulder, “I won’t tell anyone you attempted to replace me with a robot.”

“Substitute! I attempted to _substitute_ you with a robot. And I already admitted to… to not quite meeting my extremely exacting standards, so really there isn’t anything to tell anyone about!”

As the two of them completed their exit from the room it may just have been that the robot, forgotten in the corner, slumped a little in defeat.


End file.
